Monday, July 5, 2010

Men's Health Editor Out To Ruin All Food, Even On The Day We Celebrate The Birth Of Our Nation

I've been wanting to say this for a very long time....I fucking hate David Zinczenko. And I'm sure you're all with me on this, ready to follow as I lead the charge against this man, who is actively trying to steal our happiness. Either that, or you're wondering, "Who the hell is David Zinczenko?" David Zinczenko is the Editor-in-Chief for Men's Health magazine, America's #1 source for pictures of washerboard abs.

Am I the only one who finds it odd that a magazine supposedly geared towards heterosexual men hides the attractive woman behind the shirtless man?

Six pack fetishes aside, my real problem with Men's Health, and, more importantly David Zinczenko, is that he seems to have made it his personal mission to make me feel ashamed of every one of my favorite foods. You see, every few weeks he posts a blog about the "Worst X in America," with "X" ranging from restaurant appetizers to beverages. And rest assured, if it's something you enjoy, this guy will prove to you that it's making you obese. And then he will recommend an "alternative" that will probably leave you hungrier than before you ate it: oh, you shouldn't eat that slice of Domino's pizza, but if you must order from them than just have them deliver a half-cup of ice with some grass on it.

Which brings us to the 4th of July, when everyone comes together to celebrate our independence from Britain by eating obnoxious amounts of food. And, yes, I get that we are becoming a nation of lardasses who need to put down the fast food and hit the treadmill. But can't we find a happy medium where we can start to take care of ourselves a little better without having to be confronted with the consequences of every calorie that makes its way into our stomachs? Not according to David Zinczenko:

Eat This!
Pork Tenderloin (6 oz)
328 calories
11.5 g fat (4 g saturated)
95 mg sodium

Not That!
Cheeseburger (5 oz)
630 Calories
41 g fat (15 g saturated)
735 mg sodium

Pork tenderloin is one of the most underrated cuts in the meat case...Then again, maybe only a burger will do for you. If so, switch to grass-fed beef... Or check out our recipe for the healthy, delicious Green Chili Burger in our indispensable list from Cook This, Not That!

OK, pork tenderloin can be pretty damn tasty, and I get that it has a lot less calories than a cheesburger. But's the 4th of July, just let me eat a damn cheeseburger without feeling guilty. If I'm going to do that, however, I need to heed the ever-so-practical suggestion of switching to grass-fed beef, which I'm sure won't have the manager of my grocer's meat section laughing in my face. Plus, you gotta love the way he slips in a plug for his stupid recipe book, which I find really insulting. Hey, guy, if you're trying to help me, why don't you just give me your advice and stop trying to sell your shitty wares.

Eat This!
Coleslaw (1/2 c)
150 calories
8 g fat (1 g saturated)
350 mg sodium

Not That!
Potato Salad (1/2 c)
190 calories
12 g fat (3 g saturated)
430 mg sodium

Potato salad is one of those foods that sounds healthier than it is...Coleslaw wins here by a nose; it has fewer calories and less fat, sodium, and carbs...For other free health, fitness and nutrition secrets that will improve your life right this second, follow me on twitter.

Now you're just fucking with me. You really want me to replace a time-honored staple of 4th of July eats...with a "food" that looks like the crap that collects in your sink's drain blocker when you clean up after a dinner party? And for what, the sake of 40 calories?

I don't even have a joke for this. I just want everyone to get a good look at how fucking gross it is.

And if you are truly dumb enough to think that potato salad is healthy just because the word salad is in it, then you're probably illiterate and won't be reading Zinczenko's bullshit article anyway. And this time around, Zinczenko must know that his advice is getting a little shaky, because instead of trying to sell us another book he just encourages us to follow what must be the most dictatorial twitter page in existence, and that's including this one.

Eat This!
Tortilla Chips and Guacamole (about 10 chips)
160 calories
11 g fat (3 g saturated)
280 mg sodium

Not That!
Corn on the Cob with Butter
200 calories
7 g fat (4 g saturated)
190 mg sodium

It’s an American birthright to eat corn, but truthfully, it offers little nutritionally compared to a powerhouse like avocado. So stick with the chips. Choose a whole-grain chip like those made by Garden of Eatin’ and you’ll get a boost of fiber to go along with guacamole’s good monounsaturated fats.

Still want corn? Fine, but make it healthier by cutting back on the butter and sprinkling it with chili powder and lime juice. And remember: Cutting calories isn’t always a matter of watching what you eat. Watch what you drink, and you can trim over 400 calories from your daily diet, without actually altering your food consumption at all. See this must-have list of The 20 Worst Drinks in America for the liquids that should never pass your lips. If you go with the healthier alternatives listed you can lose more than two pounds of belly fat per week!

If it's an American birthright then stop trying to rob me of it, douche bag! Hell, I even love tortilla chips and guacamole more than corn on the cob but now I'm just going to eat a whole field of corn with a dairy farm's worth of butter just out of spite. And yet again, Zinczenko's telling us to make this change for 40 calories. But this time, his suggestion actually has MORE FAT! But I guess that's OK because the avocado is such a "nutritional powerhouse." So much so, in fact, that Zinczenko doesn't even bother to explain what's so great about it. I guess if we don't know by now, we're beyond hope anyway. And by the way, I left the last paragraph fully intact so that you can see that I didn't use clever editing in order to point out that Zinczenko's plug for the 20 Worst Drinks in American has nothing to do with what he was talking about in the first place. Please, Zinczenko, cut the self-promoting bullshit.

Zinczenko's list comes to completion with comparison that basically comes down to the benefits of fruit over ranch dressing, but I actually recognize that you aren't mentally disabled and therefore you probably know that already. And I think that's where my real problem with David Zinczenko comes from. He's telling everyone things that they likely already know. When I sit down with a plate overflowing with a cheeseburger, a hot dog, potato chips/salad, ambrosia, and a few leaves of lettuce, I'm not really fooling myself into thinking that I'm eating well. We all have at least a basic understanding of what's good for us and what's bad for us, so we don't need some schmuck telling us what we already know. So, I'm going to go ahead and eat, trying to avoid overdoing it on the fatty crap too much, and hopefully balancing things with some exercise. You, David Zinczenko, can enjoy your leafy greens and organic non-fat turkey breasts in smug self-satisfaction. Asshole.


  1. I definitely like your recipes better! And I bet those abs in the picture were photoshopped.

  2. Yeah...I'm thinking about countering every one of his blog posts with a recipe that will take at least 3 years off your life.