Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 3: Delaware, The First State For Horrible Driving
While I live in Philadelphia, I have to commute to the southern part of the state, which is a stone's throw away from the very first state in the union, Delaware. If you've ever been there you know it's a beautiful state: beautiful beaches, quiet towns, and, of course, tax free shopping. One thing that I'm not sure people have noticed, however, is that Delaware is home of the dangerous motorists in the country.
Most of you, I'm sure, will debate that the worst drivers are found a little bit further north in New Jersey and New York, but I disagree. The drivers in the tri-state area are aggressive assholes, I'll admit, due to the fact that the area where they drive is far too crowded and will someday soon implode in on itself in a wash of hair gel and unfettered racism. However, most of them manage to pull off their dickfaced driving habits without much of a hitch (what's a 15 car pile-up here and there, between friends?).
Folks in Delaware, on the other hand, are not aggressive. They are just terrible fucking drivers. Every time I see someone blast through a red light, swerve into someone else's lane without signaling, or do anything that just can't be explained other than the driver must be lapsing into a coma, then 9 times out of 10 you can bet your ass that you'll see a Delaware license plate on the back of the car as it cruises towards a fatality statistic.
What I don't get is why Delaware's drivers do so with such blatant incompetency. Wikipedia lists Delaware as having the 6th densest population in the country, which you would think would promote good driving habits since a lot of people in a small area means you need to pay more attention. Maybe they all just said screw it and decided to use motor accidents as a way to thin out the herd a little bit.
Now, fortunately for me I'm not very good at research because I can't find any statistics to either prove or disprove my theory, so I'm going to follow sound American tradition and use my own anecdotal evidence as hard fact and warn everyone to stay away from Delaware motorists. They are a danger to our lives, and must not be allowed to sully our states with their piss poor driving. I'm thinking a large concrete wall that will separate their crappy driving from our decent, God-fearing driving. After all, I can't think of a time when the use of a large concrete wall to separate two parts of a country yielded negative results.