Sons of Anarchy To Return In September, Grump To Pee His Pants With Giddiness

Seeing this was probably the highlight of my day. I realize that's a bit sad, but hey, I've been waiting a long ass time for the return of SAMCRO. If you want to know what the hell SAMCRO means, then start watching. Screw Tony Soprano and his band of knuckleheads. If I wanted to watch bad Italian stereotypes I'd go to South Philly. Watch Sons of Anarchy, if for no other reason than it's got Hellboy in it AND Gerry Bertier from Remember the Titans.

Saturday Cartoons Hit The Big Screen, Drive Me Into Madness

Hm, a movie version of Garfield voiced by Bill Murray. Seems kind of lame, but it could be good, right?

Wow, this looks pretty bad. The CGI is lame and the biggest laugh in the trailer seems to be watching a rodent crap on the furniture. Eh, whatever.

Wait, what? None of the 7 people who watched the first one even liked it. And why did Bill Murray agree to do another one? I mean, he won't do another Ghostbusters but he'll do another fucking Garfield? I just don't get it.
Oh, now come on. There was absolutely nothing redeeming about the first movie. It's officially time to give this stuff a rest, guys.
Alright, assholes. I swear to God if you pull this shit one more time I'm going to shoot myself in the head.
Blam!

Take The Edge Off With The Peek-A-Boo Revue

So, if anyone ever asks me what makes Mrs. Grump to Be so great and I don't have time to get into the extensive list of why she's far too good for me, I think all I need to do is explain what she did this weekend for our last anniversary before becoming husband and wife. She could have made me find an overpriced French restaurant and buy her even more overpriced roses. She could have made me wear an uncomfortable suit and listen to snooty music. Instead, she came up with the idea of taking me and some of our friends to a BURLESQUE SHOW.

And this, my friends, was one hell of a show. The troupe is called the Peek-A-Boo Revue, and aside from the primary attraction of ladies revealing their boobies, it was genuinely entertaining. The hosts, Count Scotchula and Joey Martini, overcome a couple of really stupid names by being extremely funny. They were self-deprecating, improvised well, and just really seemed to be enjoying themselves. I know, it's a real stretch to imagine two guys enjoying being a part of a T & A extravaganza, but it's true.

It also helped that apart from being attractive and willing to disrobe, the ladies in the show were great performers. They could dance (and not just of the "pole" variety) and some of them could sing. Not to say that some tried and couldn't, just that some just stuck to dancing. The ladies were also really funny. One girl in particular, Christa Dagger, seemed to pop up in every other sketch and play everything from an ex dancer from In Living Color to a Liza Minnelli impersonator who is far more entertaining than Liza Minnelli.

And, yes, I'd be completely full of shit if I didn't point out that I really enjoyed watching some quality stripping. There was a wide variety of women who all brought something a little different to their teases. But what made it fun was that none of them seemed to be uncomfortable. It wasn't a dark, smoky room filled with drunken frat boys stuffing dollar bills down the underwear of a girl trying to pay her bills. These ladies were enjoying themselves, which made the whole spectacle much more fun and, dare I say it, sexy.

So, I realize that the intent of "Take the Edge Off" is to introduce you to things that you might enjoy, and that is going to be kind of hard for an act that sticks mainly to the Philly area. But I'm sure you can find a burlesque show in a city near you. It might be as good as Peek-A-Boo Revue, and it might not. To be honest, I don't care. I just wanted to tell everyone that I went to a burlesque show. And it was awesome. And I have the most awesome fiance on the planet. Suck on that, losers.

Philly Tow Truck Drivers: Kings Among Men

Did you ever read a story online about a group of people in the midst of conflict, and in the comments section there's always that guy who just says to "Nuke them all," or "They should all be killed," or some other dumbass statement used to dismiss an entire group of people? It really bothers me when people do that. It's a display of hatred and xenophobia at its worst, and that attitude has no place in civilized society. If we still have people who think in such broad, ignorant terms, then how are we ever going to move forward as a culture? With that being said, I do believe the following statement is true: All tow truck drivers in Philadelphia should be shot in the face.

Not once in any interaction I've seen or had with a tow truck driver did think the guy was anything other than a flaming asshole. Last year two friends of mine were mistakenly towed from my parking lot and the next morning when we went to go pick them up, we found that one of the cars had a flat tire. When we pointed this out to the tow truck driver who brought the car out, he gave us a grumble of "Let me go talk to my boss" and went inside. We never saw the motherfucker again. We even called the cops, who were very helpful in telling us that we were essentially shit out of luck. It's comforting to know that that every white trash family with a towing company is above the law now.

The one good thing that I can take from this is that since there is no law in the world of towing, the competition between towing companies has now degraded into shooting each other and lighting their competitors' locations on fire. Just this week a driver for J & Son's Towing shot another driver from Mystical Towing over an argument about who got to tow a car from an accident scene. Now it appears that Mystical Towing has taken the logical legal recourse of setting fire to about a dozen cars impounded in J & Son's lot. J & Son's, not wanting to be outdone but wanting to stick with their firearms theme, allegedly shot six rounds into Mystical's building while the owners were in it.

The only people that I feel bad for in all of this are the people who are paying for these companies' "services." You have to think, these are all people who have either been in a car accident or have had some kind of debilitating malfunction in their car. They're going to be late or completely miss whatever they had planned for the day, and it's just a really shitty situation. Now, let's add on to that being witness to a shooting, or finding that your car has a more flame damage or bullet holes than it did before it made it's way into the impound lot.

Yes, I'm sure there are plenty of kind, honest tow truck drivers in the world. But I have yet to see any that work for the city of Philadelphia. I'll give AAA credit for having solid drivers, but according to a caller on the radio yesterday, some of these local companies show up after you call AAA, claim to be on of their drivers, and the next thing you know you've got a bill of several hundred bucks for services that you thought were going to be free. My only hope is that the apparent turf war that has sprung up this week forces Philly to take a closer look at the towing racket in this city, because it seems these guys can just get away with anything and it's really getting nauseating.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 5: Around The Horn...What Happens When A Piece Of Shit Station Craps Out A New Piece Of Shit

Let me begin today by just giving a tip of the hat to all of you bloggers who do so on a daily basis. Between work and pretending that I actually have a life, finding anything to talk about for five days in a row is a daunting task. Hence, the cop out yesterday.

Today, however, I want to give detailed insight into a piece of pop culture that aggravates me so much that it's actually the reason I started Everybody Sucks But Me in the first place. Let me begin by saying that I'm not a very good male because I think ESPN is an absolutely useless waste of television airtime. I really don't need to hear two guys who were probably picked last in every sport they ever played tell me what to think about the world of sports. How people can sit in front of Sportcenter for hours at a time is completely beyond me.

But of all the crap shows on ESPN, Around the Horn makes the rest look like insightful Pulitzer Prize nominees. For anyone unfamiliar with this show, Around the Horn features douchebag host Tony Reali as he takes four equally douchey, but excessively more pathetic, sports writers to give their take on current sports headlines. The twist is, however, that Reali serves as a mediator/judge as these four losers compete for more time to speak through several rounds of topics. After each round one loser will prove his loserdom by being eliminated for having the least number of points. Points, by the way, are given out by Reali himself, who is apparently utilizing the criteria of which of these idiots can be the most obnoxious, who makes the most inane references, and most likely whoever gave Reali the best reach-around within the last month.

By far, the most irritating part of this show is Tony Reali, who started his ESPN on-air career as the "stat boy" for another masterpiece, Pardon the Interruption. In this case, I think "stat boy" derives from the typical requests he must have gotten to "Shut the fuck up...stat!" But now he's the host, and he's going to milk his position of power for every last fucking drop.

I defy you to find me a face more worthy of having a brick thrown at it.

You can tell he absolutely savors the chance to make these sorry assclowns dance for him as he sanctimoniously dictates the show, muting panelists whenever he feels like it and throwing his worthless two cents in at every corner. He seems like that guy in college who joined a frat within 10 minutes of moving and ate shit from the upper classmen for 3 years until he became a senior and forced freshmen to toss his salad for initiation to prove that they are gay. He is just a worthless human being, and I can't keep talking about him lest I risk vomiting blood.

But really, who's worse, the guy who fucks with people for an entire show or the people who actively let themselves get fucked with for the chance to be on TV? These are all established sports writers from large-market newspapers, and they're letting this weaselly man child treat them like children. It's just too sad. And why do they do this? What could possibly be the brass ring these guys are reaching for every show? The "prize" is 30 seconds of uninterrupted airtime to talk about whatever topic they choose. Wow. So you have your own sports column which I can only assume is read by thousands of people, and you're verbally fighting tooth and nail in order for the privilege of talking for less than a minute. For shame, fellas.

"Yo, broheems. I'll give an extra 5 seconds of airtime to whoever sends me a picture of their dad's foreskin."

I'm not sure how great of an idea this whole Everybody Sucks But Me marathon was, but it was worth it if just one more person knows just how awful Around the Horn is. These guys are pretty much the epitome of everything that is wrong with sports journalism, television, American male culture, and just human beings in general. And anyone who's going to try and tell me that there are far worse things in the world than a harmless sports opinion show, go watch five minutes of banter between Tony Reali and Jay Mariotti and then come back to me. I think you'll admit that McCarthyism wasn't so bad in comparison.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 4: Pant, Wheeze, Sob

Just....ran...........too fast..........in too hot......just gonna let Peter Griffin......take this quick one today. Will return for finale tomorrow.....once I've picked up my spleen.



Oh....and just replace America with...everyone...

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 3: Delaware, The First State For Horrible Driving

While I live in Philadelphia, I have to commute to the southern part of the state, which is a stone's throw away from the very first state in the union, Delaware. If you've ever been there you know it's a beautiful state: beautiful beaches, quiet towns, and, of course, tax free shopping. One thing that I'm not sure people have noticed, however, is that Delaware is home of the dangerous motorists in the country.

Most of you, I'm sure, will debate that the worst drivers are found a little bit further north in New Jersey and New York, but I disagree. The drivers in the tri-state area are aggressive assholes, I'll admit, due to the fact that the area where they drive is far too crowded and will someday soon implode in on itself in a wash of hair gel and unfettered racism. However, most of them manage to pull off their dickfaced driving habits without much of a hitch (what's a 15 car pile-up here and there, between friends?).

Folks in Delaware, on the other hand, are not aggressive. They are just terrible fucking drivers. Every time I see someone blast through a red light, swerve into someone else's lane without signaling, or do anything that just can't be explained other than the driver must be lapsing into a coma, then 9 times out of 10 you can bet your ass that you'll see a Delaware license plate on the back of the car as it cruises towards a fatality statistic.

What I don't get is why Delaware's drivers do so with such blatant incompetency. Wikipedia lists Delaware as having the 6th densest population in the country, which you would think would promote good driving habits since a lot of people in a small area means you need to pay more attention. Maybe they all just said screw it and decided to use motor accidents as a way to thin out the herd a little bit.

Now, fortunately for me I'm not very good at research because I can't find any statistics to either prove or disprove my theory, so I'm going to follow sound American tradition and use my own anecdotal evidence as hard fact and warn everyone to stay away from Delaware motorists. They are a danger to our lives, and must not be allowed to sully our states with their piss poor driving. I'm thinking a large concrete wall that will separate their crappy driving from our decent, God-fearing driving. After all, I can't think of a time when the use of a large concrete wall to separate two parts of a country yielded negative results.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 2: Oh, You Don't Know?

Wow, this is kind of pathetic. It's only the second day of this bad idea and I'm already floundering for something to bitch about. I'm sure my college English teachers would be very proud of me. Anyway, it never hurts to go to the well of topics that most people can agree on, and in that vein today's title comes from a joke that I read a long time ago that I think pretty much defines the hipster culture:

How many hipsters to take to screw in a light bulb?


Oh, you don't know?

I grant you, this joke is not great for belly laughs. But I do think that it perfectly conveys the agonizingly condescending attitude that these pricktards show to pretty much everyone. I think what pisses me off the most about the hipster culture is that they are right about the fact that a lot of mainstream entertainment is about two steps above watching a pig hump a throw pillow. But instead of working to open people up to stuff with a bit more substance, they hoard any good new work and then dismiss it as crap as soon as it becomes popular.

Take 30 Rock, for example, although this is still on the mainstream end of the hipster spectrum since nobody in it smokes, wears a striped shirt, or uses the phrase "human condition." But it was off-center enough to catch the attention of hipster crowd, even earning praise from the A.V. Club, the beacon of hipster douches everywhere. But of course, eventually more and more people started liking 30 Rock, and as we all know popularity is the perfect hipster repellent. Even the A.V. Club writer in charge of covering 30 Rock acknowledges that he really enjoyed the show until he "got a directive from the chairman of President Obama’s Council of Hipster Affairs ordering me to spearhead a nonsensical and inexplicable hipster backlash against 30 Rock." And the backlash really was nonsensical. Nothing about the show changed, which is why some hipsters will tell you that it wasn't good anymore; it had become stale. But then these are usually the same idiots who cry foul when a show tries to shake things up because it goes against the theme of the show.

I liked Shakespeare's early stuff, but he started using iambic pentameter as a crutch

One show, however, that hipsters seem to be more than happy to shove down the public's throats is fucking Arrested Development. Every new comedy that comes out is compared to and dismissed as falling back on broad, easy humor when compared to this show. First of all, I refuse to acknowledge the term "broad" as having any real meaning whatsoever. It's either funny or it's not. Shut the fuck up and laugh at a fart joke now and then. Secondly, someone just needs to say this: ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT IS NOT THAT GOOD! It's funny, yes, and I enjoyed the few episodes that I've seen. But it's not the quintessential comedy that all these horn-rimmed glasses wearing schmucks try to tell us it is.

Oh God, now they've got me saying words like quintessential. I'm just going to go now before I start wearing a beret. But please, if you agree and you think that Arrested Development is overrated, please oblige me and say so in the comments section. I'd really like to know that I'm not the only one who thinks that show is kind of lame.

Everybody Sucks But Me, Day 1: You're Invited To Suck At Your Job

I realized I've been a little lax in my posting over the past week, and in that time I've had plenty of chances to notice how pissed off everybody makes me. Therefore, I've decided to let it all out over the next five days in waves of unmitigated word vomit.

For Day 1, I would like to address the fine people of La Bella Couture Designs, who have officially screwed the pooch on Mrs. Grump to Be and my wedding invitations. After two months of trying to see a sample invitation (after paying the deposit, mind you) and being ignored, condescendingly placated, and eventually told to take our money back, I would like to extend you an invitation of my own (click the box below to view).

Men's Health Editor Out To Ruin All Food, Even On The Day We Celebrate The Birth Of Our Nation

I've been wanting to say this for a very long time....I fucking hate David Zinczenko. And I'm sure you're all with me on this, ready to follow as I lead the charge against this man, who is actively trying to steal our happiness. Either that, or you're wondering, "Who the hell is David Zinczenko?" David Zinczenko is the Editor-in-Chief for Men's Health magazine, America's #1 source for pictures of washerboard abs.

Am I the only one who finds it odd that a magazine supposedly geared towards heterosexual men hides the attractive woman behind the shirtless man?

Six pack fetishes aside, my real problem with Men's Health, and, more importantly David Zinczenko, is that he seems to have made it his personal mission to make me feel ashamed of every one of my favorite foods. You see, every few weeks he posts a blog about the "Worst X in America," with "X" ranging from restaurant appetizers to beverages. And rest assured, if it's something you enjoy, this guy will prove to you that it's making you obese. And then he will recommend an "alternative" that will probably leave you hungrier than before you ate it: oh, you shouldn't eat that slice of Domino's pizza, but if you must order from them than just have them deliver a half-cup of ice with some grass on it.

Which brings us to the 4th of July, when everyone comes together to celebrate our independence from Britain by eating obnoxious amounts of food. And, yes, I get that we are becoming a nation of lardasses who need to put down the fast food and hit the treadmill. But can't we find a happy medium where we can start to take care of ourselves a little better without having to be confronted with the consequences of every calorie that makes its way into our stomachs? Not according to David Zinczenko:

Eat This!
Pork Tenderloin (6 oz)
328 calories
11.5 g fat (4 g saturated)
95 mg sodium

Not That!
Cheeseburger (5 oz)
630 Calories
41 g fat (15 g saturated)
735 mg sodium

Pork tenderloin is one of the most underrated cuts in the meat case...Then again, maybe only a burger will do for you. If so, switch to grass-fed beef... Or check out our recipe for the healthy, delicious Green Chili Burger in our indispensable list from Cook This, Not That!

OK, pork tenderloin can be pretty damn tasty, and I get that it has a lot less calories than a cheesburger. But still.....it's the 4th of July, just let me eat a damn cheeseburger without feeling guilty. If I'm going to do that, however, I need to heed the ever-so-practical suggestion of switching to grass-fed beef, which I'm sure won't have the manager of my grocer's meat section laughing in my face. Plus, you gotta love the way he slips in a plug for his stupid recipe book, which I find really insulting. Hey, guy, if you're trying to help me, why don't you just give me your advice and stop trying to sell your shitty wares.

Eat This!
Coleslaw (1/2 c)
150 calories
8 g fat (1 g saturated)
350 mg sodium

Not That!
Potato Salad (1/2 c)
190 calories
12 g fat (3 g saturated)
430 mg sodium

Potato salad is one of those foods that sounds healthier than it is...Coleslaw wins here by a nose; it has fewer calories and less fat, sodium, and carbs...For other free health, fitness and nutrition secrets that will improve your life right this second, follow me on twitter.

Now you're just fucking with me. You really want me to replace a time-honored staple of 4th of July eats...with a "food" that looks like the crap that collects in your sink's drain blocker when you clean up after a dinner party? And for what, the sake of 40 calories?

I don't even have a joke for this. I just want everyone to get a good look at how fucking gross it is.

And if you are truly dumb enough to think that potato salad is healthy just because the word salad is in it, then you're probably illiterate and won't be reading Zinczenko's bullshit article anyway. And this time around, Zinczenko must know that his advice is getting a little shaky, because instead of trying to sell us another book he just encourages us to follow what must be the most dictatorial twitter page in existence, and that's including this one.

Eat This!
Tortilla Chips and Guacamole (about 10 chips)
160 calories
11 g fat (3 g saturated)
280 mg sodium

Not That!
Corn on the Cob with Butter
200 calories
7 g fat (4 g saturated)
190 mg sodium

It’s an American birthright to eat corn, but truthfully, it offers little nutritionally compared to a powerhouse like avocado. So stick with the chips. Choose a whole-grain chip like those made by Garden of Eatin’ and you’ll get a boost of fiber to go along with guacamole’s good monounsaturated fats.

Still want corn? Fine, but make it healthier by cutting back on the butter and sprinkling it with chili powder and lime juice. And remember: Cutting calories isn’t always a matter of watching what you eat. Watch what you drink, and you can trim over 400 calories from your daily diet, without actually altering your food consumption at all. See this must-have list of The 20 Worst Drinks in America for the liquids that should never pass your lips. If you go with the healthier alternatives listed you can lose more than two pounds of belly fat per week!

If it's an American birthright then stop trying to rob me of it, douche bag! Hell, I even love tortilla chips and guacamole more than corn on the cob but now I'm just going to eat a whole field of corn with a dairy farm's worth of butter just out of spite. And yet again, Zinczenko's telling us to make this change for 40 calories. But this time, his suggestion actually has MORE FAT! But I guess that's OK because the avocado is such a "nutritional powerhouse." So much so, in fact, that Zinczenko doesn't even bother to explain what's so great about it. I guess if we don't know by now, we're beyond hope anyway. And by the way, I left the last paragraph fully intact so that you can see that I didn't use clever editing in order to point out that Zinczenko's plug for the 20 Worst Drinks in American has nothing to do with what he was talking about in the first place. Please, Zinczenko, cut the self-promoting bullshit.

Zinczenko's list comes to completion with comparison that basically comes down to the benefits of fruit over ranch dressing, but I actually recognize that you aren't mentally disabled and therefore you probably know that already. And I think that's where my real problem with David Zinczenko comes from. He's telling everyone things that they likely already know. When I sit down with a plate overflowing with a cheeseburger, a hot dog, potato chips/salad, ambrosia, and a few leaves of lettuce, I'm not really fooling myself into thinking that I'm eating well. We all have at least a basic understanding of what's good for us and what's bad for us, so we don't need some schmuck telling us what we already know. So, I'm going to go ahead and eat, trying to avoid overdoing it on the fatty crap too much, and hopefully balancing things with some exercise. You, David Zinczenko, can enjoy your leafy greens and organic non-fat turkey breasts in smug self-satisfaction. Asshole.

Grumpy Movie Review: The Last Airbender

God this movie was lame. As a fan of the show on Nickelodeon I was excited at the idea of a movie adaptation, but as soon as I found out M. Night Shyamalan was directing I had reservations. And then when I read that pretty much every reviewer was basically calling the movie a steaming pile of dogshit, I didn't even want to bother seeing it. But Mrs. Grump-to-be, as the one who got me into the show in the first place, was still hopeful that it could be good, so we gave it a shot. Our hope was that the reviewers who hated the movie either didn't really watch the show, or were just continuing the tradition of bashing any M. Night Shyamalan movie that isn't The Sixth Sense (which, I must say, I disagree about when it comes to Unbreakable and The Village, which I thought were really good). After seeing the movie, I must say that Shyamalan lived up to the expectations....The Last Airbender was pretty much a steaming pile of dogshit.

I could get into what all the other reviewers said and point out the awful dialogue, the stiff acting, and the overuse of exposition, but I think what it comes down to is that Shyamalan seems to have missed what made the TV show so good in the first place: the balance of an interesting plot with the silly tone of a story that doesn't take itself too seriously. The TV show never forgot that it was a kid's show, and while the movie stays true to the events of the plot, it winds up getting lost up its own ass trying to be an epic masterpiece. These delusions of grandeur lead to some pretty cool special effects, but they basically had the same effect as putting sugar on top of a steaming pile of dogshit.

The one saving grace for the movie was the performance by Dev Patel as Prince Zuko. Personally, when the movie was first announced I was hoping they would cast the guy who did the voice for the TV show, Dante Basco, who you might know better as Rufio! Rufio! Ru! Fi! OOOOOOOOOOO! Granted he's in his 30s at this point, but if you look at his picture on IMDB you'll see that he could easily still play a teenager. But, since they didn't go with him, I must say I was glad to see Patel get the job. He was so damn earnest in Slumdog Millionaire, and that carries over into his portrayal of Zuko.

Unfortunately, M. Night Shyamalan's (perhaps misplaced) confidence in his ability to make movies lead him to only address the first season of the show, with a lot of the plot left open for him to make a couple of sequels. If the movie makes enough money where he does have the opportunity to continue the franchise, I can at least take solace in the fact that Dev Patel will continue to get work.

Grade: D

Hurrah For New Banners!

I really wasn't digging the bland look that my blog title had so I utilized my 3rd grade-level publisher skills to whip up a new one. What do you think? Better? Worse? I have too much time on my hands?