Thursday, April 29, 2010

Texas Governor Rick Perry Faces Off With Looney Tunes Character, Fortunate to Have Hollow Point Bullets

The Associated Press wasted everyone's time yesterday with a story about how Texas Governor Rick Perry shot a coyote and then.....well that's pretty much it. According to Governor Perry, he was out on a morning jog when a coyote began showing aggressive behavior towards his dog, who was with him at the time. So, he responded with the only logical action: he shot it with a fucking .380 Ruger with hollow point bullets and a laser sight. I'm not kidding. I talked to Mrs. Grumpy-to-Be about it last night and she brought up a very good point: unless there are TMZ reporters following Governor Perry around on his morning jog, then he had to actively search out a reporter to tell about this. Really? This is somehow in the public interest? I know there is an election coming up, but will this earn you those anti-coyote undecideds? And yes, I do see the irony in the fact that I'm writing about what a waste of time it is to write about this event. But there were some gems from Governor Perry that I really needed to share with you all:

"Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."
Or if you're one of those goddamn socialists trying to let Mexicans take our beloved landscaping jobs and let fags marry.

"It [the coyote] was not in a lot of pain. It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."
Well I would hope so. You shot something the size of a medium dog using a laser sight and hollow point bullets. I'd imagine you probably blew the back of the little bastard's head off. And before people start in with the bleeding heart liberal bullshit, I honestly don't have feelings for the coyote one way or the other. I'm told that coyotes can actually be pretty dangerous. But to say that you managed to painlessly kill a coyote with with bullets designed to kill a grown human seems a bit odd. I don't think people were assuming you popped it in the kneecap first.

And I think this one is my favorite, in regards to him leaving the coyote where he killed it:

"He became mulch."
Oh, I didn't realize you were just trying to return him to the land. Few people realize that Governor Perry is in the midst of a Dances With Wolves-style transition into the ways of the Indian. But his local tribe isn't dicking around by naming him with some fruity name like Walks with Nature, or Carries in the Wind. No, his name will be Laserkill.


  1. If i just turned an aggressive coyote into a gooey pile of mulch, I'd be tooting my own horn too. In fact, I think I'd keep the gun strapped to me for the next few hours just to show how much a badass I am while I do chores and wait until people ask what the hell am i doing with a gun to initiate my boasting so i dont look too happy/psychotic...

  2. don't worry. I've watched Loony Toons. The coyote will be fine.