Yeeeehaw! I'm Gonna Be President, Sumbitches!

Ah, Rick Perry. His brand of crazy shitkicker is exactly what we need in this field of weak ass Republican presidential candidates. Screw the Tea Party and their posturing, neo-Conservative bullshit. Michelle Bacchman and Sarah Palin are in a dead heat for this year's Upper Class Twit of the Year competition. And Mitt Romney, I almost can't even get the words out...Mitt Romney is a Mormon!

What we need is a man's man. A guy who's willing to blow the back of a coyote's head clean off should it so much as look at his dog the wrong way. A guy personally responsible for winning the war against Mexican drug cartels. We need a man who is "authentic, a truth-teller, and a job creating machine." Therefore, God must favor us mortals as the New York Times announced that Governor Perry will be making a definitive act to run for the presidency.

But Governor Perry's balls are far too large to just say "I'm running for president." And it goes without saying that taking part in the Iowa Straw Polls are for women and San Franciscans. That's why Governor Perry's definitive act of running for president will apparently be waving his dick at his opponents from South Carolina and New Hampshire this weekend. South Carolina is obviously going to be on Team Perry from the get go, but I wouldn't be surprised if New Hampshire buckled under his manliness and voted him in as well.

I, for one, cannot wait for his campaign. Ever since Donald Trump proudly stepped out of the race after single-handedly forcing President Obama to release his birth certificate (which was obviously forged) we've been left without a voice of justice for the real America. We've found that voice, and now the country is back on track to return to its former glory.

Or, if nothing else, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will have plenty of material for the next few months.

Gov. Perry Mum On Texas Ranger Double Secret Probation...Er, Missions

I always love stumbling on a story involving Texas Governor Rick Perry. I already told you about his showdown with the the coyote from hell. Now he's at the center of some super secret missions involving the Texas Rangers facing off with drug dealers trying to cross into Texas. How super secret? Apparently the governor refuses to tell anyone more than they kick Mexican druglord ass (I may be paraphrasing here).

Asked to quantify the progress made by the Rangers, Texas' Department of Public Safety refuses to give any details on the basis of preserving "operational security." So you can't even give us numbers of arrests amount of drugs seized? I'm pretty sure the guys who recently found themselves in jail and without their drugs are aware of your operations guys.

And don't think I'm saying that it's a bad idea to have your state's elite units fighting the the drug smugglers at the border. Illegal immigrants who are just trying to find a better life for themselves are one thing. But make no mistake, the drug cartels who run their wares across the borders are really just not good guys, and every step should be taken to keep them out of the country.

I just think it's really goofy that Gov. Perry is bragging his ass off about these secret Ranger missions but he won't lay out any detail to show more to show the cause and effect of his work. No, all we seem to get are small leaks, such as one given by public safety director Steve McCraw, who claimed that "the program doesn't want to brag." He then "grabbed the most recent mission report and read that in one day, a team arrested 22 people and seized 1,739 pounds of marijuana. He offered no other details." OK, so you're giving a random bunch of numbers with no context and no corroborating evidence. That doesn't sound like bragging at all.

Now for all I know these missions could be doubtless successes. They may be single-handedly squashing the drug trade along the border. But neither I nor anyone else will know about it if you don't tell us. And no, simply saying they're doing awesome and forbidding any follow up questions is not the same thing. The AP ponders whether or not this whole thing is just a political ploy meant to beef up his image as being tough on border defense, and maybe that's what's going on. Or, he may just really believe that super secrecy is the only way to keep these missions successfully. I just like to think he's apeshit crazy, and I really long for the day when he just gets on stage and let's his freak flag truly fly:

Texas Governor Rick Perry Faces Off With Looney Tunes Character, Fortunate to Have Hollow Point Bullets

The Associated Press wasted everyone's time yesterday with a story about how Texas Governor Rick Perry shot a coyote and then.....well that's pretty much it. According to Governor Perry, he was out on a morning jog when a coyote began showing aggressive behavior towards his dog, who was with him at the time. So, he responded with the only logical action: he shot it with a fucking .380 Ruger with hollow point bullets and a laser sight. I'm not kidding. I talked to Mrs. Grumpy-to-Be about it last night and she brought up a very good point: unless there are TMZ reporters following Governor Perry around on his morning jog, then he had to actively search out a reporter to tell about this. Really? This is somehow in the public interest? I know there is an election coming up, but will this earn you those anti-coyote undecideds? And yes, I do see the irony in the fact that I'm writing about what a waste of time it is to write about this event. But there were some gems from Governor Perry that I really needed to share with you all:

"Don't attack my dog or you might get shot...if you're a coyote."
Or if you're one of those goddamn socialists trying to let Mexicans take our beloved landscaping jobs and let fags marry.

"It [the coyote] was not in a lot of pain. It pretty much went down at that particular juncture."
Well I would hope so. You shot something the size of a medium dog using a laser sight and hollow point bullets. I'd imagine you probably blew the back of the little bastard's head off. And before people start in with the bleeding heart liberal bullshit, I honestly don't have feelings for the coyote one way or the other. I'm told that coyotes can actually be pretty dangerous. But to say that you managed to painlessly kill a coyote with with bullets designed to kill a grown human seems a bit odd. I don't think people were assuming you popped it in the kneecap first.

And I think this one is my favorite, in regards to him leaving the coyote where he killed it:

"He became mulch."
Oh, I didn't realize you were just trying to return him to the land. Few people realize that Governor Perry is in the midst of a Dances With Wolves-style transition into the ways of the Indian. But his local tribe isn't dicking around by naming him with some fruity name like Walks with Nature, or Carries in the Wind. No, his name will be Laserkill.