Monday, April 5, 2010

Springtime Shines Upon Us

After months of punishing blizzards followed by several more weeks of torrential downpour, we finally seem to have incurred the good graces of the natural world. Mother Earth has finally seen fit to part the clouds and let some sunshine into our lives. And with that sunshine, comes warmth. Warmth that can thaw even those hearts most frozen by the chill of winter. Warmth that leads a man to remember the beauty in having these ever-changing seasons. Warmth that urges us all to open our windows and let the outside world back into our lives, and view that world in all of it's splendor as it begins to blossom in full grandeur. I really believe that in days such as these, we can all be a little bit...


SON OF A BITCH! Why is it that I can't go more than five minutes with the window open without having to listen to some old, fat, greasy biker rev his Harley to a decibel that would make dead people weep! Good lord, Jethro, I know it's been a whole three months since you've been able to break out the sleeveless jean jacket, but couldn't you have given me at least a day before you had to tear through the streets blasting an incessant stream of motor farts? There is no discernible reason for a small, two-wheeled vehicle made for, at most, two people to be that loud. Just no reason whatsoever. I even tried to research a couple of search engines to see if I was the one being unreasonable. It certainly wouldn't be the first time. Maybe there was a practical reason for motorcycles to be that loud. For all I really know about motorcycles, they might pick up another mile per gallon for every burst eardrum.

A search on Yahoo! Answers yielded these gems of impeccable logic:

"Most motorcycles consist of a pipe and a muffler. Some have headers instead of one pipe. Size and material all have factors in sound. As well as packing and baffles."
Those are all definitely words, but I'll be damned if I understand any of them in their current combination.

"Most motorcycles consist of a pipe and a muffler...Size and material all have factors in sound."

OK, so that gives me a fairly simple technical explanation for why some exhaust pipes are louder than others, but I still don't see why someone would deliberately choose to make them so loud. For the answer to that, we just need to look at the response voted "Best Answer" by the posters on the site:

"As soon as the warranty on the bike runs out, alot of guys ditch the stock exhaust and go for aftermarket pipes which generally have bigger openings on end and less baffles inside them for a much louder tone and increase in horse-power. Cuts down on the gas mile-age but who cares, make some noise and feel the wind in your face and watch all the traffic from your rear-view mirrors as you shoot away from the traffic
light leaving every-one behind in a cloud of dust. Feel the power ! ! ! Pipes do make a differnece in performance ! ! !"

And there you have it. Quite possibly the sole reason why America is so hated by enemy nations and hipster douche bags alike. These guys are actually taking the time to take a perfectly operational exbhaust pipe, one that has been carefully crafted by its manufacturer, and twist it into their own horrible creation. Not only that, but they openly scoff at the speck of practical logic of improved gas mileage in favor of "leaving every-one behind in a cloud of dust." Congratulations, you've bested hundreds of people who had no fucking clue that they were in a race to begin with.

I hate you, I hate your glorified Huffy, and I can only hope that next time you go cruising that you wind up eating a nice mouthful of pigeon shit.

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