Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Mother Nature to the Northeast: "Eat shit"

As I look out the window and watch the rain falling quite hard for what seems like the 900th time in about six months, I can't help but wonder if we've done something to make the weather angry. I live in Philadelphia, and I suppose people might say that's reason enough for the weather to be pissed off, but this is getting kind of ridiculous. Since October, I can think of at least 3 or 4 near flood-level storms we've had, and that's not even counting the repeated crapping of snow and wind that made up our winter. It's getting to the point where I'm wondering if the weather isn't becoming a mean-spirited prick.

The thing is, when anything bad happens I usually view it as an active attempt to jerk me around. A perfect example is when I'm trying to drive somewhere in a hurry, and the next traffic light changes just in time for me to have to sit through the entire red light. Obviously, this couldn't have been because the automatic timer was set to allow for the most effective flow of traffic in both directions. No, that son of a bitch traffic light somehow became sentient and realized that I was late for work. It then timed itself perfectly so that I would be the very first car to have to stop, thereby making me have to wait the longest and giving the light a chance to laugh in my face for three fucking minutes. That's why the lights are shaped like an "O". They're laughing their asses off.

So now I have a hard time thinking that the weather is not actively trying to fuck us over for some reason. I realize it's the rainy season but I really don't remember having to worry about having to start taking the ole' canoe to work. And Philadelphia isn't even caught in the worst of it. Apparently anyone living in southern New Jersey should think about moving their houses back a mile or two unless they feel like sharing their guest room with the local sea life. So in this case, it's not just me that's being jerked around. Millions of people from Maine down to Washington D.C. have spent virtually every weekend turning on the news and getting stuck watching this shit:

And that's another thing. The actual weather is bad enough, so why is it that we also have to be subjected to these jackasses from the local news stations who apparently get so bored trying to find actual news to report that they need to spend hour after hour telling us that we're having bad weather? Look fellas, I have both the physical capacity to look outside and the mental capacity to register what I'm seeing, which means that I know it's goddamn raining. And as for the head weather honcho standing in front of the radar screen, I'm convinced that most of these weather forecasters get off a little bit when they show us that screen, and point out that just as it looks like the worst of the storm will pass us, the trajectory will shift so it will squat on our faces for another 6 hours.

So what did we ever do to you, Weather? Why do you attack us with your downpours, and your wind gusts, and your empty-headed reporters who are dumb enough to smile blankly while reporting in the middle of a goddamn hurricane? I know some will say that global warming is what's got Weather so up-in-arms, but frankly I think Weather is being too harsh for global warming to be the culprit. Plus, why only attack the Northeast if the entire globe is responsible? No, we here in the upper right corner of America must have done something truly evil to deserve such a backlash. We must have unleashed something into this world that is downright unforgivable by anyone's standards, be they fundamentalist Christian or die hard atheist. So what was it, Weather? What could we have possibly done, you bastard. I want to know! Why do you hate the Northeast?

Um.......so I guess we're even?

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