A Brief Stupid Interlude

OK, let me just say that although I haven't posted in about a week, this isn't the start of another 3 month stretch of silence. I've just been pretty busy the last couple of days, as my job is one that gets a lot busier when really big hurricanes are pointed at my fair city. So in all likelihood I won't have the time or energy to post anything through the weekend.

Therefore, I want to post what may be my favorite in a series of commercials from All State starring Dean Winters (you might know him as Dennis from 30 Rock, dummy). I'm well aware that these are really stupid commercials. But much like the Geico cavemen, I can't help but laugh every damn time I see them. This one in particular is my favorite, so I'll probably watch it for a chuckle while my house blows away in a couple of days.

Welcome To The Bahamas As Imagined By Ebenezer Scrooge

I think that the thing that most pisses me off about rich people is their inability to comprehend the reality that 99% of us live in. Only a rich man, for example, could have possibly come up with those "Recession 101" billboards that have littered the Philly landscape lately. One in particular states that "Bill Gates started Microsoft during a recession." Oh, well isn't that grand. I guess all I need to do is be lucky enough to create (or should I say steal) a once-in-a-lifetime idea and all my troubles will be over! Goodbye, financial turmoil!

This distorted world view can be the only explanation for the Seasteading Institute, an organization heavily backed by billionaire Peter Thiel that seeks to "build sovereign nations on oil rig-like platforms to occupy waters beyond the reach of law-of-the-sea treaties." These islands will implement libertarian ideals, which Details magazine describes as including principles such as "no welfare, looser building codes, no minimum wage, and few weapons restrictions." So yeah, essentially these guys want to build miniature Bankocks in international waters so that they can squander their money the way they see fit and not blow it on complete wastes of time like the public good.

And Peter Thiel, one of the program's main backers? You may remember him as the guy who recently told kids not to go to college. OK, so maybe those were not his exact words. But he's funding a program to give entrepreneurs fellowship grants in the six-figure range to keep them out of college, claiming that colleges are a classic "bubble" and are not worth the money. This is a man who made his money in the computer industry, and he has the balls to call anything a bubble? And to top it off, this is what he looks like.

I'm gonna go ahead and let the picture speak for itself here

Now, I'm not naive enough to think that college isn't insanely overpriced, especially compared to what it used to cost. But to take the stand that college isn't worth bothering with anymore means you're willing to ignore the fact that college grads stand to make, on average, almost a million dollars more in their lifetime than people who only have a high school diploma. And those with master's degrees or doctorates increase their lifetime income even further.

So investing money in an expensive college is a risk, considering the job market is growing smaller and more depressing by the day. But we can't all be entrepreneurs. I don't know about you, but I don't have a billion-dollar idea just sitting in my back pocket, waiting for some bored billionaire to invest in it. And let's not pretend that being an entrepreneur is risk-free either. I can't help but imagine how many guys put their life-savings into an idea that could truly help the world, only to fail miserably while the guy who invented the Billy Bass laughs his hillbilly ass off in his log mansion.

Order now and I'll personally come over to your house and hit you in the face for being so stupid

So the fact that smug assholes like Peter Thiel got lucky and pulled Pay Pal out of their asses does not mean they understand how the world works. It means they just so happened to come up with the right idea at the right time and got an obscene amount of money from it. They should not be the people from whom we're taking our cues on society.

These libertarian "utopias" are a perfect example. I'm actually looking forward to watching this experiment fail miserably. Think about it. These guys are looking to build and maintain structures in the middle of the ocean while ignoring concepts like "building structures to code" and "paying fair salaries to the workers."

I'm guessing nothing will happen right away because these guys will be really careful to dot their "i"s and cross their "t"s.....at first. Then, they're going to start letting small things go in the name of saving a few bucks. Maybe they won't put on that new coat of paint or install new carpeting. Next it'll be a lighting system that can surely go another few months without inspection or maintenance. Eventually something will need to be repaired, but it will be much more cost-effective to use a metal cheaper than steel to reinforce some of that rigging that holds up the island. And finally, one day, while I'm online trying to pay my cruelly expensive student loan payment, I'll get a chuckle reading about how a couple hundred libertarians sank to the bottom of the ocean while clutching their remaining sacks of money. It'll be great.

Yeeeehaw! I'm Gonna Be President, Sumbitches!

Ah, Rick Perry. His brand of crazy shitkicker is exactly what we need in this field of weak ass Republican presidential candidates. Screw the Tea Party and their posturing, neo-Conservative bullshit. Michelle Bacchman and Sarah Palin are in a dead heat for this year's Upper Class Twit of the Year competition. And Mitt Romney, I almost can't even get the words out...Mitt Romney is a Mormon!

What we need is a man's man. A guy who's willing to blow the back of a coyote's head clean off should it so much as look at his dog the wrong way. A guy personally responsible for winning the war against Mexican drug cartels. We need a man who is "authentic, a truth-teller, and a job creating machine." Therefore, God must favor us mortals as the New York Times announced that Governor Perry will be making a definitive act to run for the presidency.

But Governor Perry's balls are far too large to just say "I'm running for president." And it goes without saying that taking part in the Iowa Straw Polls are for women and San Franciscans. That's why Governor Perry's definitive act of running for president will apparently be waving his dick at his opponents from South Carolina and New Hampshire this weekend. South Carolina is obviously going to be on Team Perry from the get go, but I wouldn't be surprised if New Hampshire buckled under his manliness and voted him in as well.

I, for one, cannot wait for his campaign. Ever since Donald Trump proudly stepped out of the race after single-handedly forcing President Obama to release his birth certificate (which was obviously forged) we've been left without a voice of justice for the real America. We've found that voice, and now the country is back on track to return to its former glory.

Or, if nothing else, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will have plenty of material for the next few months.

Wow, They Really Let This Place Go

Yeah. I really followed up on that promise to just get back to writing for writing's sake, didn't I? I have little in the way of an excuse other than I've recently had some pretty big changes at work, it's been hot as hell lately, and, well....I really just haven't felt like it. I was having a hard time for a while finding the motivation to write, so I figured I'd just step away for a while. Then, after a couple of posts from the Mrs. made me realize I really was neglecting this old girl, my new problem was that I didn't really have a whole lot to say. But, we're in luck today because after about a month of taking the train into Philly for my new job, I'm ready to bitch about other people again.

First, let me start off that saying the new job is great. I still work for the same image-conscious organization so I still can't get into specifics, but let's just say the days seem to be going much faster now. And since I take the train through the more congested parts of Philly I don't have to with it's mouth-breathing drivers, which is another big plus. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't complain about random minutiae, so let's concentrate just concentrate on the mouth-breathers that I share the train with, shall we?

While the train ride itself is a lot better than driving all they way to work, I'm still looking at about an hour and fifteen minute one-way commute when you account for the drive to the station and the ride itself. That would be fine if nobody went out of their way to annoy the piss out of me along the way. But then, what are people put on this earth for if not to annoy the piss out of me?

My fellow passengers are the most frequent culprits. The most inexplicable such passenger is the old lady who sees me as a harmless young white man who is safe enough to cram in next to on a tiny seat. This has happened more than once, and I just don't get it. I try to make myself an unpleasant person to sit next to on the train. I sit on the side of the train with the narrow benches to make the space next to me as small as possible. This morning I even sat on a seat that was so loose that it sagged under my sizable ass and seemed ready to collapse if anyone else dared try to use it. I was even reading a book about the horror movie revolution of the 60s and 70s, and I'm told that the look I make when I'm reading looks similar to someone getting ready to commit sexual assault. I figured anyone, especially an old lady, would want to avoid someone who could be imagined to look like this:

I'm done with my newspaper if you'd like to read it.

But no, they plop right down next to me with a smile that indicates that it's my privilege for them to feel comfortable enough to ride next to me. One lady even tried to give me a religious pamphlet. I took it from her, rubbed it on my crotch, and shoved it in her face while screaming obscenities. OK, I didn't do that. I politely refused it. But that's actually showing more spine than usual, as normally I'd take the pamphlet and pretend to read it while she sat next to me.

As annoying as old ladies tend to get, they at least don't cause the physical discomfort that comes when a guy who has not applied deodorant in 6 years pops a squat next to me. Why? Why can't you you spend $3 a month and 20 seconds a day to keep me from spending the next half hour gagging into my shirt. And I know that other cultures frown on the use of deodorant and that ranting about it probably makes me seem like a classless schmuck. But dammit, so does vomiting on a train full of people.

To be fair, there are more than just annoying passengers on the train. There are also annoying employees, the most annoying of which is the disembodied voice that blares out over the P.A. system during the trip. It would be sufficient to tell me that our next stop will be in Morton. You don't have to yell that the next stop is MORTON! The microphone is really a fascinating technology. If you talk into it normally, it sends a signal to an amplifier that will project your voice at the appropriate level. Which is especially important when you're telling people that the first car is the QUIET CAR!

Another employee that I never see but would like to hurt is whatever back-office twit decides to keep trains in service that should have been sold for scrap when Menudo was still popular. Remember that sagging bench I was telling you about from this morning? That really should not be an issue, should it? With public transportation prices on a constant rise in Philadelphia, you'd think they could afford to stop using the train cars with broken seats covered in cheap faux-leather and broken air conditioning. Especially considering it's been a balmy 95 degrees for the last three fucking weeks.

Well it appears all that complaining has made me tired. It's obvious that I need to start flexing the writing muscles again, so hopefully (I'm not making any promises) I'll start popping up back here again on a more regular basis. Fortunately, I'll have plenty of time on the train to think about some more pointless shit to talk about. It beats trying to make old women explode with my thoughts.

It's a paradigum!

I'm fairly certain that everyone has at least one word that they unknowingly and heinously mispronounced for an extended period of time. Mine was adrenaline, which I pronounced "all-der-line". I know, not even close. Since this started in a middle school health class, I was saying it that way for some time before someone finally said something, i.e. made fun of me until I went and looked it up.

Inspired by a comment on the last post, I thought I would share two of my favorite examples of insane mispronunciation. This first link is to a Gawker.TV post talking about a How I Met Your Mother episode in which Ted discovers he's been mispronouncing the word chameleon his entire life. (The clip on the left after the title of the article.)

The second is a trailer for a schlocky Gwenyth Paltrow number called A View From the Top, in which poor, beat down, trailer trash Gwennie changes her life by aspiring to be a first class flight attendant. So you don't have to subject yourselves to the headache inducing lines in the trailer, just skip ahead to about the 1:33 mark where Mike Myers corrects the mispronunciation of Christina Applegate's trainee flight attendant.

I do like to see others stepping in some verbal dog crap. Please share any favorites you might have!

Anyone want a blog? Only slightly used and very lonely.

I think this blog has finally become so neglected it's at the take-it-out-back-and-shoot-it stage. Or, for those of you raised in a more suburban environment, take-it-to-a-nice-blog-farm-far-away-and-let-it-run-free-with-the-other-blogs stage. Maybe I can try and nurse it back to health, Dr. Quinn style.

Evil Taylor Hicks is currently attempting to finish Devil in a White City so it can be turned over to me. I'm currently trying to avoid reading Embassytown since I'm only about 30 pages in and I'm already debating about finishing it. So while I'm trying not to acknowledge my attempt to branch out from my reading wheelhouse, I decided I'd sneak on here and post something just to see if the Evil One would notice. The following are a variety of things I've been enjoying lately:

Bangable Dudes in History

Whoa, what a start! That's right, a blog about hot historical dudes complete with pie charts and pictures. To be fair, the blogger does post pictures of chicks occasionally but mostly sticks with the black and white male sexiness. I now feel much less creepy about my unclean thoughts during history class.

When Parents Text

I love, love, love this site. Basic and absolutely hysterical. It also makes me slightly nostalgic for the days that my mom first started texting. Only slightly though.

Go Fug Yourself

Fashion and snarkiness all rolled up in one blog. I cannot recommend this site enough if you have even the slightest interest in clothes and/or laughing. I think I may have fallen in love with this site when one of the bloggers was able to work in a Blazing Saddles reference (an OBSCURE reference mind you not any of the more famous ones) into a fashion post.

Okay, okay, I have to get one complaint in concerning the new Toyota Venza commercials. Obviously, you need to watch them before reading the rest.

Done? Great. First, the majority of the parent actors and their "kids" look to be about the same age. (I put "kids" in quotes because all of these actors look like they are in their 30s.) Second, I'm not on Facebook and neither is Evil Twin to Taylor Hicks. However, we get harangued on a pretty consistent basis by our MUCH OLDER RELATIVES because of our absence on that stupid site. Toyota, the oldies LOVE them some Facebook AND are actually quite quick to adapt to new technologies and run them into the ground. So, you're trying to sell cars based on how inactive and condescending today's "kids" are and how older people are able to balance their lives and technology in a better way through...your cars? Douchebags. Next time, take two seconds to sit down with your 20-something marketing interns and run the adverts by them. We're not all as insipid as we look.

A few more bitch-free things:


You guys, when in the hell did NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM GET SMOKING HOT??? I've avoided the last couple of movies just because I was so Pottered out (I'd gone a bit....potty?Snort.) which I now regret utterly and completely. Also, if you are a Potter fan (of the books or the movies) you really need to read the latest issue of Entertainment Weekly since they went all out. Apparently, if you were British and an actor, then you had some kind of role in these movies. And if you weren't, then the cast was laughing at you behind your back.


Voyager is on Netflix! This will most likely be the last post from me for awhile since I will be deeply engrossed by Cap'n Janeway's Gibson Girl and B'Elanna's bitchiness for the next couple of weeks. I also think it's hilarious that Deep Space Nine is the only Star Trek TV product that is not on Watch Instantly. Probably because it sucks.

If this inspired you to take a look at your queue, then also be sure to add the Masterpiece Mystery version of Sherlock (which I am obsessed with as Evils Hicks can attest) and Downton Abbey. Hicks keeps calling this Downtown Abbey, which sounds like a kicky 90s sitcom about a 20 something who's come to the big city to find herself and has a weird roommate that does yoga naked. This is not that, it's much more dramatic and British.

Time wasted. You're welcome!

-Not Looks Like Taylor Hicks

Pulling My Head Out Of My Ass While Trump Pushes His Head Farther Up His

OK, I think I found the problem with why I've been spinning my wheels with this blog lately. I think I've actually viewing it as some kind of obligation. I've been trying to think of posts that would make as many people as possible want to read them, and I've started worrying over the fact that if I don't make regular posts then I'll lose all of my followers. That's right. All 10 of my followers. Honestly, have I become so deluded that I think I'm one clever post away from getting an avalanche of readers who cannot wait to hear the inane ramblings of a twenty-something asshole from Philadelphia?

So I've come to the realization that I just need to go back to the original mindset of this blog....using it as an outlet to vent things that piss me off and share the things that make me happy. And, yes, I realize that I've pretty much been doing that anyway. But in my head I had this grand scheme of making weekly segments that would earn me the admiration of the entire blog community. Because I'm a schmuck like that.

But as of today I'm going to relax a bit with the dumbass gimmick crap. I just want anyone who gives a shit to enjoy this Colbert Report clip:

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Journalistic Grintegrity
www.colbertnation.com
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I don't know about you, but I picture both the writing staff for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report getting together before the start of each day, holding hands, and praying to God, Jesus, and Allah that Donald Trump stays in presidential contention for as long as possible. When Trump first started in with his raving lunacy, it really pissed me off. I couldn't believe anyone would give this guy a platform to say anything other than "You're fired." But then I realized that the only reason he's being given this platform is because no one wants to miss the opportunity to watch the train wreck over and over and over again.

It's not like we really have to worry about Trump winning the election. If that happens, I've already died and gone to hell anyway so I'll have bigger problems at that point. So now I get that the thing to do is sit back and enjoy the parade of asinine claims made by the "golden helmeted noise warrior." And I'm not gonna lie, I'd totally buy a bumper sticker that read "You're not gonna raise that fuckin' price, you understand me?"