This Just In: Processed Meat.......is BAD for you!

In news more shocking than Clay Aiken coming out of the closet, the BBC filled everyone in on the secret that eating processed meat is bad for your heart. According to the article, foods such as sausage and bacon are even worse than natural red meats such as beef and lamb, likely due to "the salt and preservatives added to processed meats." Well, I can't help but think one thing when knowledge like that is dropped on me: No. Fucking. Shit.

Pictured above: someone who may not be concerned with eating only lean meat

Did anyone take a minute while writing this story to think that pretty much everyone on the planet knows that processed meat might just be bad for you? Well, if we're going to take the day to state the obvious, I have a few more conclusions that I'd like to share:

• Sitting in an ergonomic chair is better for your back than sitting on a bear trap.
• Cats walk on four legs and not seven.
• The word watermelon is actually made up of two words: water and melon.
• Many people who enjoy movies starring Scarlett Johansson do not necessarily believe that she is a good actress.
• 2 + 2 does not equal Christmas tree.
• Full lobotomies are not good for short-term memory.
• Full lobotomies are not good for long-term memory.
• NFL quarterbacks are often under more pressure than NFL spectators (I'm sure John Madden has said this at least once)
  
• The Jewish culture may have been misrepresented in Germany during the 1930s and 40s.
• People usually prefer the taste of pumpkin pie to that of pet lizards that have been named Pumpkin.

Since we're out to enlighten one another, feel free to comment on any other important discoveries that you have made throughout the week. It's important to spread the knowledge, people.