Great news, everyone! It's time for the 72nd Dadvale Regatta! And you know what that means: Kelly Drive will now be closed for not one, not two, but three entire days! Now we get to look forward of a three-day weekend's worth of detoured traffic clogging up all of the other roads where I live! Now, I know that in the past I've complained about regattas in Philly and their arrogant need to shut down an entire major road, but this event just seems so important!
First of all, we all get the privilege of watching true athletes in action.
Plus, upper-middle class couples can enjoy picnics by the waterfront without all that pesky traffic ruining their good time!
And, perhaps most importantly, families get to enjoy some much-needed quality time!
So who cares that the other thousands of people who couldn't care less about rowing have to eat shit for the entire weekend? Right?
/suddenly doubles over in agony
/begins to transform in elaborate An American Werewolf in London-style sequence
I WILL FEAST ON YOUR SOULS! YOU WILL ALL BE DEVOURED FOR ETERNITY! TORTURE! PAIN! DEATH!
/looks down at abandoned picnic
Ooo, potato salad.