Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Real Problem With The UFC

I went out with a buddy of mine to catch UFC 113 last night at a local bar. It was definitely an entertaining night of fights, with the highlight being a reborn Mauricio "Shogun" Rua knocking out Lyoto "The Dragon" Machida in decisive fashion for the Light Heavyweight championship. I'd never followed Shogun's career in Pride, so I'd only ever seen him as the struggling fighter battling injuries in a loss to Forrest Griffin, and victories against who many people thought were two past-their-prime fighters in Mark Coleman and Chuck Liddell. But watching him completely obliterate a previously unbeaten Lyoto Machida in their rematch from a close fight in October was amazing to watch. I definitely understand now the love that Shogun's gotten from fans of Pride.

Now, on the flip side, many people think that the lowlight of the evening was the boring grapplefest between Josh Koscheck and Paul Daley, where Koscheck essentially laid on top of Daley for 15 minutes when he wasn't milking an injury from an illegal knee thrown by Daley that didn't even seem like it connected. The only moment of interest came after the fight when a frustrated Daley earned himself a lifetime ban from the UFC after throwing a sucker punch at Koscheck after the fight was over. While I agree that this was not mixed martial arts at its best, there was a far worse problem to be seen. What's worse is that it happens at every single UFC fight, and I can't help but wonder why UFC president Dana White allows this atrocity to continue. I'm talking, of course, about the ongoing presence of this man:

Bruce Buffer is, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst sports announcer I've ever seen in my life, and I feel like I'm living in Crazytown because no one else ever seems to mention it. Every single thing he says or does is an obvious attempt to cash in on a potential trademark, and it only serves to distract me from the actual reason I'm watching, which is the fights. I realize that a mere announcer should not be taking away from my enjoyment when he is only on screen for maybe 5% of the night, but I think that just goes to show how terrible he is if he can fuck up my viewing experience with only 5 or 6 minutes that are disbursed throughout the event. Let's break down his nightly routine so that hopefully I can prove how talentless he is.

1. "Ladies and Gentlemen, WE ARE LIVE!"
So, what, was the show somehow not live before this point? Was the crowd somehow watching a recorded show in person? I know, he's trying to indicate that the show has gone live on television and get everyone pumped that it's time for the main card, but honestly it's pointless. If we're watching on TV, then we know the show has gone live on TV because we can FUCKING SEE YOU. And as far the crowd goes, does it really matter if the show is live on television at this point? "Whoops, better put my dick away so that no one sees it on TV!" It's just one of the many things that Buffer does to bring attention to himself because he knows that when you get right down to it no one gives a shit about him.

2. "The Buffer 180"
If I try to describe this motion, I'll probably suffer from the typing equivalent of gagging, so just watch this clip (0:25).

Why is that little choreographed back spasm at all necessary? I doubt even the dumbest of mouth breathers watching at home is going, "Hey look he's getting ready to point at the guy on the right and....oh, shit! Psych! He totally pointed at the other guy instead! Classic!" But yet again, Buffer needs everyone to look at him, so he does "The Buffer 180." I hear that at UFC 100 he actually pulled out "The Buffer 360." So, essentially, he did a pirouette in the middle of the octagon. Super. If only he could have slipped and face planted in front of a few million people. That would have actually been entertaining.

3. "It's Time!"
This is Buffer's key catchphrase, and it's pretty much the epitome of all that is wrong with his style and delivery. In order to fully see just how awful it is, you need to first see Buffer's more-talented half brother, Michael, do his catchphrase:

That segment is thirteen years old and it's for a professional wrestling organization that doesn't even exist anymore, and I still want to watch it just because of that announcement . It's naturally catchy, it rolls off the tongue, and Michael has the pipes to pull it off almost effortlessly and without drawing needless attention to himself. Now, let's watch Bruce's abortion of an announcement:

First of all, "It's Time" is just a dumb thing to say. Unless Bruce followed "It's time..." with "for me to get the fuck off the stage!" it's vague and pointless. Plus, it doesn't exactly lend itself to the long, overblown delivery that Buffer gives, so it inevitably sounds forced. Not to mention the fact that Bruce is in full-tilt Michael Buffer imitation mode, which one would think would be a little easier to pull off since they're related. But really he just sounds like shit and I always have to go into the main event of the night a little bit pissed off. It's not right.

So is it just me here? Like I said, I never hear anyone else say anything about how awful he is. In fact, some people really seem to like him. But then again people also like the John Madden so I find it hard to accept the general consensus when it comes to taste in sports personalities. And let's be clear; I'm not expecting any kind of grass roots campaign to expel Bruce Buffer from the UFC. After over 113 events I'm not thinking he's going anywhere any time soon. I just would like to hear a few people agree with me so that I know I'm not going completely insane. I just can't be the only ones who see Bruce Buffer for the attention-seeking twat that he is.


  1. WOW. Seriously? A ten page diatribe on the UFC. I am disappointed. Please focus your next entry on the adorableness of puppies.

  2. Good call. Those puppies have been getting a little too smug lately. I'll get right on it and have a draft to you by Friday.

  3. Buffer is a tool. I don't get super angry like you do, but it's comical to watch someone so terrible. It's more comical to watch you get upset when IT'SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS TIME!