6 Things I Learned About The Philadelphia Court System

Hey, what do you know. A post having nothing to do with Hugh Laurie or Leslie Nielsen. I'm just as shocked as you are. I really don't know why I've been so damn lazy on here lately. Just haven't felt the urge to force my poorly formed thoughts on the world for a while. But I really think I'm turning a corner here. I'm ready to get back on the horse.

You may remember that delightful fellow who tested his airbags by demolishing my wife's parked car while were sleeping. Well, after two months we were called into court to testify about the damage. After around 5 hours as we exited the courthouse, our jaws were dragging on the floor in awe of the epic sideshow that is the Philadelphia court system. I learned some very enlightening things about how justice is disbursed in the City of Brotherly Love, and I would like to present them to you in no particular order...mainly due to the fact that there certainly wasn't any in court that day (zing!)

• The crier is allowed to treat everyone, including the judge, like an absolute prick. I'm fairly certain that my wife and I were the only two people that the court crier (a.k.a. the guy who announces the next case) didn't grumble to, shout over, or yell at. And that includes the judge. This guy was absolutely stunning in his utter lack of professionalism. And I say this as a man who has more than once knowingly gone to work with a noticeable hole in the crotch of his pants. Now, I get that with 50 plus cases to juggle each day, even the most even-keeled person would get frazzled from time to time. But if you're to the point where every word out of your mouth is dripping with contempt for your fellow man, perhaps it's time for an extended vacation.

• It's perfectly reasonable for a judge to throw a temper tantrum in the middle of a case. First of all, it needs to be said that our judge could have easily played Bilbo Baggins in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. He looked to barely be able to see over the bench in a standing position and he's definitely indulged in a "second breakfast" or an "elevensies" in his lifetime. The similarities are purely physical, however, because if my memory serves me correctly Bilbo Baggins wasn't a raging asshole. At one point, after we had been out in the hall reviewing some paperwork, my wife and I returned to the courtroom to find the judge literally out of his chair yelling at an assistant DA. In all fairness, I don't know what happened that lead to this exchange. But unless the assistant DA just admitted to coercing a confession from the defendant by showing him pictures of the judge's naked wife, then I think a little restraint is in order.

• The judge is allowed to jerk around an expert witness as he sees fit. Part two of Judge Bilbo's screaming fit came when the assistant DA called up an expert witness as part of her case. At this point the judge was still seething and he only seemed to become further enraged that the assistant DA would call an expert witness. So within a few seconds of taking the bench, the judge threw up his hands and told the witness that he didn't want to allow him to testify. So the witness left the stand and sat back down in his original seat. The witness' ass had barely touched the seat when the judge changed his mind again and told him to take the stand. I'm sure the narcotics officer being used as an expert witness that day had nothing better to do than play musical chairs with an elected official.

• Lawyers have no problem using pop culture references as "precedence." I want you to picture every shady-looking TV lawyer you've ever seen. Then combine them into one bubbling mass of shyster. Then you'll have a picture of the lawyer I saw doing his thing. Basically, I think his style can be summed up by the fact that he utilized the following logic: his client was not intending to sell the drugs that he had on him because, after all, Charlie Sheen had claimed to do more drugs in one sitting than his client had on him when he was pulled over. I'm not kidding. I'm still not sure if this was the best or worst line of reasoning I've ever heard.
  

• Public defenders are even more tired and beaten-down looking than you might think. While a minority of the defendants had their own representation, I'd say at least 3/4 of the cases were being defended by one guy who looked like he slept in the suit he was wearing. I felt so bad for this guy. I don't care if this is the life he chose. No man should be forced to go through his day looking that down-trodden. Actually, if anyone remembers Ted from Scrubs, just add a head of a hair and make him a few years younger and you'll have this public defender.

So my day in court was a lot of things, but boring was definitely not one of them. I think I learned a lot about the law even in the short amount of time that I saw it in action. If I had to pick the most important thing I've learned from the day I'd say it's this: if you are going to break the law and you want it to be resolved quickly, make sure you break the law outside of southeastern Pennsylvania.

This Week In Non-Naked Gun Leslie Nielsen: Kung Fu

So, uh...yeah. That plan of pulling my head out of my ass didn't really pan out. What can I say? Life has been busy and I just haven't had the motivation to do my thing on here. But the good news is that I've got some good story-time material so I'm definitely ready to get back in the groove.

The worst part about my not posting for the last two weeks is hardly that anyone's been deprived of my stupid bullshit. No, the worst part is that I've deprived everyone of what might be the greatest scene ever committed to film. Leslie Nielsen has become known for physical comedy over the years. But I swear to God, I don't think I've seen him in anything as funny as this clip as he guest stars on the 70's martial arts/horrible acting extravaganza Kung Fu.

Be warned that I have no idea what the scenario is here. As far as I can tell Leslie Nielsen is fighting with someone who used to be his friend but now has to "bring him in." Series star David Carradine is no where to be found; he was likely tied up (ba-dum ching!). So that leaves Nielsen and Random Dude to put on the worst display of fighting in the history of television.



So let's forget the fact that neither person in this scene has any right taking part in a pillow fight, much less a martial arts duel. And let's even look past Leslie Nielsen's face as he puts his pal in the worst rear-naked choke ever applied. I'll even overlook the fact the comically overdrawn series of 7 goddamn stomach punches that Nielsen seems to receive in slow motion.

What I absolutely cannot let pass, however, is that Leslie Nielsen takes an upward palm thrust to the nose, seemingly resulting in his nose being shoved into his brain. But rather than die immediately, as pretty much anyone with catastrophic brain damage would logically do, he remains consciousness long enough to coherently warn his friend of his inevitable doom. No, writers of Kung Fu, that is not how this works. I'm not a doctor, but I'd be willing to bet that someone receiving a blow to the head hard enough to kill them is going to do little other than shit their pants before they die.

But it might very well be this clip's complete disregard for reality that makes it one of my new favorite YouTube clips. Every once in a while there comes a clip that I compulsively need to watch at least once a day. This is one such clip. In fact, if nothing else I hope that this post will urge people to spread the joy. You don't even need to give me credit. I just want to know that this clip won't get lost in YouTube obscurity. It must live on! Ok, so it's not that important. But it's pretty funny.

This Week In Non-Naked Gun Leslie Nielsen: The New Breed

So after about a week and a half I guess it's time to pull my head out of my ass and start writing on this thing a little bit more. Apologies to anyone who's been sorely missing me. Work/family/laziness have prevented me from putting much effort into the blog over the last few days.

But today I'm excited to officially introduce the first installment of "This Week in Non-Naked Gun Leslie Nielsen." Nielsen won the poll over competition Keanu Reeves and Gillian Anderson (although they both got some love too so maybe they'll work their way into future segments). I'd give kudos to the guy/girl who suggested him, but they chose to remain anonymous. Either that or the person's name is Anonymous, in which case they probably have a pretty tough time getting through the airport.

Anyway, folks who know Leslie Nielsen know him for two things: The Naked Gun's Frank Drebin and Airplane!'s Dr. Rumack. What most people don't recognize, however, is the 150+ movie and television roles he churned out in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s. This guy liked to keep busy. Not only that, in his early career he actually played the leading-man type. Keep in mind that playing the leading man in early film and television didn't seem to require much more than memorizing your lines.

With that in mind, I bring you a gem that I found on YouTube from a cop show called The New Breed. In it, Nielsen plays Lt. Price Adams, a detective for the LAPD Metro Squad. From what I can gather, it's a poor man's Dragnet. Enjoy.



Can I first point out that YouTube really is the best place to find the most gloriously pointless clips. Who the hell even has The New Breed on film, much less the time and inclination to upload it on their computer and post it for the world to see? I'm not going to rule out the possibility that it was Leslie Nielsen himself.

Setting that aside, am I the only one who thinks 1950s television is priceless? This was a time when viewers had a narrator read the opening credits to them, and a slap from a woman was invariably an implicit invitation to a mind-numbing kiss. It was a time when it was perfectly acceptable for a 12-year-old suburbanite to wander the LA hills armed with a bow and arrow, and police interrogations were held with zen-like calm inside what can only be described as a large cardboard box with a door.

Clips like this are exactly what I hope to find when I start looking through a person's lesser-known back catalog. And I think next week's going to prove to be even better. Apparently, Nielsen had a guest spot in the original Kung Fu series. That's right, gang. Leslie Nielsen is going to be performing martial arts. And not as a joke. I can't wait.

Even My Good Neighbors Never Did This Kind Of Shit For Me

Do me a favor. Watch this State Farm commercial. I'll have a question for you afterward.



Here's my question: Have I been getting ripped off by my insurance company? When my wife's parked car was totaled by some drunken twat about a month ago, our company mailed us a check for the current blue book value of the car, minus a deductible. Seemed fairly reasonable to me.

As it turns out, however, the guy in the preceding commercial has a much better deal with State Farm. Despite being the town asshole who is so despised that people throw bricks through his window, he's got a plan that really seems to go above and beyond. I'm willing to look past the fantastical gimmick of having objects appear instantaneously as a gimmick for the commercial. What concerns me is that State Farm made up for a broken window by supplying these jokers with a sandwich, installing a hot tub in their apartment, and kidnapping one of their neighbors. And let's not forget the fact that two of these guys aren't even State Farm customers.

So have I completely misunderstood the point of buying insurance? I'd always assumed it was meant to replace the material possessions that you lose due to unforeseen disasters. Apparently, it's a way of granting the wishes of stupid douche bags throughout the country. Either that or State Farm is advocating insurance fraud. I mean, come on, they didn't even fix the fucking window.

Choose Who Is Next For "This Week In Non..."

Ok, guys. I'm super excited. For the very first time I get to utilize the Blogger Poll Gadget. You see I got a few good suggestions for my next "This Week in Non..." subject, and I want to hear which one you'd like to hear about. Here are the suggestions that I got.


Anonymous wants me to do a round with Leslie Nielsen. He/she pointed to Frank Drebin as his most well-known character, so I'd be looking at some of his other work, both serious and funny. Pros: having just passed away, this would be a chance to do a brief retrospective of his work. Plus, any time I get an excuse to watch clips from Airplane! Cons: everyone and their mother has done a Leslie Nielsen tribute since he recently died.


Tom suggested Keanu Reeves, pointing out that no matter what role he plays, he is portraying Keanu Reeves. Pros: this is an interesting choice, because I contend that I can come up with at least one role where Reeves is completely unrecognizable. Cons: it will be difficult for me to look at any role and not have someone else contend that he's still just playing Keanu Reeves.


And lastly, J_Fellenbaum suggested that I "Do a chick that is hot. Like Gillian Anderson hot." So I'm going to take that as he wants me to do a segment on the woman who plays Dana Scully on the X-Files. Pros: I really don't know much about Gillian Anderson's career, so I might find a hidden gem that no one knows about. Cons: I find it hard to believe that anyone else in the world would use the phrase "Gillian Anderson" as the top of their hot scale. But know Mr. Fellenbaum like I do, I can't say it's too surprising, and I love him for it.

So there are your choices. Click which one you'd most like to see on the poll to your right. I'll let people choose through next Monday, giving me a week to get started before the first Monday in April. The idea will be that I'll do a new person each month, so keep your ideas coming in the comments section as well. And just know that if no one participates in the poll, I am very sensitive and my feelings will be badly hurt indeed.

GQ Names Philadelphia Fans As Nations Worst...Hell, I Could've Told You That

Living as a New York Giants fan is not an easy thing. I've never really had a problem with Philly teams themselves (Michael Vick not withstanding), but the fan base in this city seems to be composed of the biggest assholes ever to walk the face of the Earth. So I'm forced to root against most Philly teams lest the fans here get to enjoy any sort of happiness.

Well, as it turns out I'm far from the only person who feels this way. Recently, the writers at GQ Magazine published a list of the "15 Worst Sports Fans in America". And guess what? Philadelphia grabbed positions 1 and 2 on the list. Since GQ went by team and not by city, they were able to give Phillies fans and Eagles fans the top two spots. And I can safely say that Philly truly earned this one.

I mean, where do you start? GQ mentioned the stupid jerk off who sprinted on the field during a Phillies game only to be tased by an overly zealous security guard. And of course there's the infamous pelting of Santa Claus with snowballs, and the recent incident where one of New Jersey's finest citizens intentionally vomited on an 11-year-old girl (Here's a link to the post I did on this delightful fellow just in case you don't believe me).

But all of these things could potentially be written off as the actions of a few rotten apples rather than an overarching problem with the fan base as a whole. However, to do so would ignore the ignorant shit that Philly fans do en masse, such as the incident GQ mentions where an entire stadium of Phillies fans booed "the recipient of America's very first hand transplant, whose crime was dribbling in a ceremonial first pitch—thrown with his freshly transplanted hand." Wow. Really? Hey Philly, fans I've seen your general physical condition and I'm not so certain you could do any better.

GQ also mentions the cheers they gave when Michael Irvin of the Dallas Cowboys suffered a career-ending neck injury at The Vet. to be honest, I can overlook this one because Michael Irvin was one of the biggest pricks ever to play in the league and I find it hard to feel too sorry for a drug-abusing alleged rapist.

But I think the best example I can give you of what makes Philly fans such a waste of air is this YouTube clip that shows an example of the jovial, spirited celebration by Phillies fans the night that they won the World Series back in 2008.



Way to even take a moment of celebration and turn it ugly, Philly fans. And yes, I'm quite aware that other cities are guilty of sports rioting. GQ mentions one or two in their list. But for me there is something extra mean-spirited about seeing some goofy schmuck dangling on a traffic light and thinking "That guy needs a head injury."

So congrats to those ignorant douche bags who give this city such a horrible reputation. I'm sure they are the same guys who will hit the comments section, either here or at GQ, to rail everyone else for not understanding what it's like to be really passionate about sports. Because of course you don't enjoy sports if you aren't willing to boo a 10 year old because he's wearing a Mets cap. And to those Philly fans who actually do have a sense of decency in their fandom (believe it or not I've met a few) you can thank the people mentioned above for making the rest of the country hate you.

This Week In Non-House Hugh Laurie: I Need Your Help To Stop Talking About Hugh Laurie

Today's post marks the 21st installment of "This Week in Non-House Hugh Laurie," and I think it's officially run it's course. I've been getting tired of talking about the guy and, as it turns out, I think you are as well. But I do like the idea of exploring the other work of people who are primarily known for one role.

So I'm going to ask for your help to find out who to talk about next. Basically, we're looking for someone who almost everybody associates with one character (i.e. Kiefer Sutherland is now Jack Bauer) but who also has a potentially extensive collection of other work that nobody seems to talk about anymore. If you know of anyone that fits in that category shoot me a line in the comments section. I will look to cut down each person's coverage to eight weeks or less so the more I get the better. I'll be looking to start as early as next Monday if I get a good idea for someone to use.

As for Mr. Laurie, I know it's time to move on but I would be remiss if I didn't at least acknowledge what is probably my favorite movie that he appears in, Monsters vs. Aliens. Honestly, I think I like it more for Seth Rogen's B.O.B. than anything, else but Laurie's Dr. Cockroach, Ph. D. definitely has his moments. So I leave you with 11 seconds of Hugh Laurie as a cockroach.



...and here's a montage of B.O.B. Because he is awesome.