Monday, August 2, 2010

Think Philly Sports Fans Are No Good? You've Obviously Never Had The Pleasure Of Having One Regurgitate On You

People living in Philadelphia likely already know about this, but if you haven't then you're probably not from around here and it's vital that you learn about local treasure Matthew Clemmens, a 21-year-old from New Jersey who was sentenced today to 30-90 days in jail.

Ladies, you may want to start writing him while he's still in prison because obviously he won't be single very long once he gets out.

But why, you may ask, would anyone incarcerate this delightful cherub? Well, it's because at the Phillies' home opener a couple of months ago, Matthew here disagreed with fellow fan and off-duty cop Michael Vangelo's decision to have security eject his friend from the stadium. Actually, "disagreed" might not be the right language here. I think "stuck his finger down his throat to make himself vomit on Vangelo and his two young daughters" would paint a more accurate picture. Honestly, folks, if you're rage is so uncontrollable that you have to literally spew it out on to pair of 15-and11-year-old girls, you might have an issue that requires some attention.

Don't worry, though. The judge really stuck it to Clemmens with the zinger of the year when he sentenced him: "You have invaded the opportunity to enjoy the American pastime of baseball. You struck out." Gee, guy, you really let him have it there. Nothing stings in the courtroom quite like an analogy that seems likely to have been written on the back of your hand while taking a shit a few minutes before court was in session. God...leave it to my town to produce a textbook lowlife like Clemmens and then follow him up with an authority figure so lame that he actually manages to kill the joy of seeing Clemmens get his comeuppance.


  1. You won't believe it but we got this story down here in NZ! So the guy is internationally famous. Love your caption on the picture.

    But, what do you expect from a guy named Clemmens?

  2. Oh man, I heard about this back when it happened. I'm glad the sick pig is going to jail. I hope some large, angry inmates decide to return the favour when he disagrees about bending over for them...

  3. So this is the global impression we're making here in the City of Brotherly love? That's depressing.