Monday, June 14, 2010

Who Knows What Evil Lurks In the Hearts Of Those Nooks And Crannies?

I'm going to mark my 30th post on this blog with some news of dire importance. Those of you who eat Thomas' English Muffins should know that while you sit down to enjoy a nice breakfast, innocently topping your toasted treat with butter, jam, etc., there is a legal battle of epic proportions being waged in order to protect the recipe of your beloved breakfast food. As it turns out, after working for Bimbo Bakeries USA, the American division of Mexican food company Grupo Bimbo SAB, executive Chris Botticella has now decided to run at top speed to one of Bimbo's main competitors, Hostess! That's right, those hacks behind Wonder Bread! The man should be ashamed of himself.

I love stories like this. I know that in reality, this is fairly serious business involving millions of dollars worth of business. But honestly, there are so many things that just make this so damn goofy. Apart from the obvious, which is that we're talking about a major lawsuit regarding a fucking breakfast muffin, I also get a kick out of the fact that reporter Maryclaire Dale had to keep at least a semi-serious tone while talking about a company named Bimbo Bakeries. Even with a spell-checker and an editor, I'd have a hard time publishing the phrase "Bimbo's lawyers" without including the typing equivalent of childish chuckling.

Bimbo (tee hee) themselves had to have struggled to keep a straight face while writing a lawsuit brief that included the concern that "Botticella could produce an English muffin that might look a bit different, but that would nevertheless possess the distinctive taste, texture and flavor character that distinguish the Thomas' English Muffin and that have been the foundation of the product's success." As if the consumer didn't have enough stress in making their purchasing decisions, now they may have to decide whether they want to buy Thomas's English Muffins or the newest creation from the Hostess company, Jonathan's British Biscuits.

And like any good reporter, Dale had to get some quotes. But other than the people involved with the lawsuit itself, the only person who seemed to give enough of a shit about the story give a quote was Elise Bauer of, who gave her take on what makes a Thomas' English Muffin so special. "The butter melts and those craters catch the butter, or anything else, whether it's jam or honey. The honey can swim in the butter. It doesn't drip through." You, my dear, have put waaaaaay too much thought into your assessment of the English Muffin. It's a breakfast food, not the polio vaccine.

But enough about poor Ms. Bauer, it's this Botticella guy we have to be concerned about. After all, aside from the potentially earth-shifting knowledge of what makes for a nook and a cranny, he also knows other things. He even knows the recipe for Bimbo's (ha!) newest creation.....The Sandwich Thin! We can't just let him hand information like that over to those Twinkie-makers! What's that? You don't know what a Sandwich Thin is and you don't really give a shit about it? All high and mighty all of a sudden? Well just remember that you wasted the last five minutes of your life reading about my thoughts on an English Muffin lawsuit. Happy 30th post to me!


  1. Happy 30th post! Now I have to go back and check how many I have..hmm..but anyway, I love English Muffins!!! Even ones made by Bimbos....teehehehe

  2. Why thank you. And thank you for wasting a few minutes on here from time to time. And you're right about English Muffins. I lived off of them when I was a kid, along with the best thing ever to come out of my country.....Cheez Whiz.

  3. Ahhh, Cheez Whiz on a slightly over cooked muffin...delish! However, I'm a true peanut butter lover. All you allergic people out there BE DAMNED!

  4. Pff....I eat peanut butter straight from the jar.